Enough.

Contentment. This idea that everything is stagnate, as a child plays with sticks and grass in empty field. Or perhaps being invited to a long lost friend's home and hearing about how their lives have evolved while sipping tea. When one is content there should be this sense of rest. While adjusting back to Canada has been quite a challenge and often scary, it feels as if the places I once knew have a new reflection. What they used to look like to me, have a new, more clear lens. I feel I can breathe once again. As if I can see true beauty, clearly.

 This is my contentment. 

But a sense of discontentment has derived from this sense of calmness in everyday life. As friends around me are dealing with such heavy burdens, I feel like I should be holding one to. But when I try to think of a burden I should be holding, it's like I cannot hold on to it. Like an outside force is rejecting these weights onto my body. Why me? I have been praying for being content my whole life but why now? Now that I have this gift from God, I don't want it?

These are the thoughts that have been flooding my brain recently but another lens, if you will, has made it's way into my cranium. This perspective that what I receive I need to use for good. So, how will I use it? How will I use this gorgeous peace from God to help others?

Someone recently asked why I was back in Saskatchewan? This answer is not an easy one for me to answer as it is quite complex. But I told them in short form about my passions and goals for my city's community. They asked what I was doing to conquer my dreams. I simply said I was praying. This wasn't good enough for the man so he proceeded to say, "There has to be more."

Maybe there isn't more right now. 

Maybe right now I am called to pray for others, my city, and myself because maybe that is enough. Yes, I am quite a proactive human who loves to act on passions, ideas, and thoughts. But just maybe, this is enough, to just be content and pray.

The Clearing.

Travel. This simple word means to journey. I thought that this year would be full of rejuvenation and mending from broken wounds. 

This idea of journeying far away from problems is often what us as humans do. 

We run.

 I often run in the literal sense to get rid of problems however, I figuratively flee from my troubles. What good is this?

This idea to run away from the troubles of life just creates this counter active effect of bringing up more problems. 

In my experience, this idea of journeying or travel, has been one of great challenges. When people talk about this importance of travel or this significance to journey maybe they are talking about the aftermath of their travels, the reflection of what happened because in the moment of travel that I am in, I feel tugged and pulled in multiple directions trying to catch my breath.

 I am seeing so many amazing historical and amazing sights, yet, my mind is not here. It feels like a surreal world where I can not fully understand this importance of what I’m taking in. I know everything is in His timing and He will make all things clear. 

My goal in this time is to be truly authentic with God. Presenting everything to Him and showing him that I want to be fully trusting. 

This travel experience has been one of many valleys but when I look at what I am accomplishing I am greatly satisfied in Him.

Trust.

Over the past year, I have moved six times. This could be wrong as I have lost count. I have been praying for God's guidance and He has continued to show me. It has been a year of laughs, cries, growing, courage, letting go, and trust. In this first year of me being an "adult", I have continued to learn who I am. I am beginning to shape my identity in Christ rather than sports, being part of my family life, or even just saying I'm a Christian but not actually acting it out. The summary of my year has been one of hills and valleys.

It was the end of summer and the rental van was all packed. I began to really realize this was real. I was moving.

Ten hours away from home.

We left and made it. Made it to my new home for the next eight months. This part of my life was somewhat of a blur. I met many friends, played multiple volleyball games, and began to study.

Then it hit. The dreaded homesickness.

This was a surprise for me being a person who never has been homesick in my life. All I wanted was to be in a place that was familiar.

I started to look for other schools. I craved more biblical knowledge. A few days later, my Bodenseehof application went in.

Then the wait began.

The wait for the unexpected. Where I would be going in fall, what God wanted for my life, and what the next semester of school would look like.

To my surprise, second semester at Prov was one of the best semesters of my life. I began to make new friends and our team began to bond more. However, there was something missing.

I began to chase for something more.

4 more moves over the summer and I was at the same spot I had been at the end of my school year.

I began to realize that the heartaches in my life had not yet been healed. I used the excuse that Bodenseehof was going to "fix" all of this. God was in Germany and I just needed to wait.

This was not the case.

Once I have made it to Germany I have realized that God is not just in this place where there is direction through mentors and lectures but also in the midst of the sloppy, messed up, mundane things of life. He meets us where we are at.

A staff member at this school talked one morning about how it is okay that we need to be emptied before we can be filled again.

This is where I am at.

Though sometimes it feels like I am hanging from the last rope in an ocean of unknown. I do know He is here.

I see the beauty He is doing here all around me.

About three years ago I went on a missions trip in my city. We had an intercession where some team members told us what their vision was for our group and what we saw.

I closed my eyes and saw a girl at the end of the dock wanting to jump in. The rest of the team saw our youth group working together on a ship and God was the sails.

I jumped in that ocean.

I lost my way.

But God is leading my sails and He continues to find me.

Growing Pains.

Hello. I know those who are reading this right now, are anxious to know how I am doing. Well I made it friends. I have been living in Germany for almost a month and I can't believe where the time has gone. I have been just soaking this time in and it feels surreal. It is finally sinking in that this is my home for the next 6 months. Germany has a sense of peace and home feel for me. It is hard to explain that this place feels like home but I think it is because I am supposed to be here. God has placed me here. Therefore, I feel peace. I have been learning so much about my relationship it is crazy. I want to continue to learn more but it is hard to fully soak in all the information.

                                       

This is my life right now. I know that it is important to be here and I know my life will be changed for the better because of this year. However, I still ache to be at home studying nursing and seeing all things familiar. I miss you all. I keep this hope knowing that the growing pains I feel is an important part of my life and will only further my life as a child of God.

Home.

Over the past year, I have constantly been asking myself the question of what is home? I think over the course of the last year I have come to a conclusion that home is where there is community. I have found it so difficult to find myself feeling at home in a place where there is little human interaction. This idea that community is home has let me persevere. Continuing to have friends and a church family to support the journey that I am on has been giving me hope and peace. My physical house is forever changing but the emotional home I have built for myself is growing.

My journey over the past year has been one of trials but also great joy and it is because of the community that I find my abode. This film series is a way for you, friends and family, to stay connected. I ask that you join me on this faith journey. Wherever it may take us.

Here's a little sneak peak of what is to come.

Loneliness: The Aftermath of Urbanization?

Metropolitan. Full of loud sounds, fascinating people, and beautiful architecture. This place of wonderful chaos is one place I thought I would feel the least amount of loneliness. However, in this fast paced city I find myself looking at only strangers. Unidentifiable people who are going about their lives as much as the next person. Yet, I feel there is no interconnecting web between my life and any of these strangers. No recognizable regular customers from work, or familiar faces from the grocery store. There is a lack of community in my little bubble of Winnipeg. Even though it is refreshing to go down the street and know that no one knows your family, where you were born, or what you have experienced in life, I still feel a sense of detachment from my own self because of it. We are designed to be in fellowship with one another and this lack of attachment to others has left me feeling an imbalance in my veins. I have been challenged this past week with unimaginable, sad news from a friend. It took me a week just to begin to process this information because I have been physically alone. I am truly understanding the importance of these "creatures" called humans. These beautiful people that God has created to live in harmony with one another. I feel trapped in such a vast province because of this distancing from people. 20th street is Saskatoon represents the kind of community I crave. People walk down the street with their heads carried high giving a slight smile to new friends they met on the street opposed to the followed manner of most "urbanites" with their heads held low trying not to make contact with the fellow pedestrian. They eat at one table, go to smudging ceremonies with one another, sit at the local park bench and "people watch" together. This is what fellowship is. It's living together with one another. I am becoming more thankful for the people and the home I have in my life. Even though these are times of sadness and loneliness,  I am beginning to find hope in knowing that it only takes a grin on the street, or a gentle "hello" to get closer to feeling whole.

Little things.

 

I have realized a lot of things this summer. One revelation I have made is that I am not made for urban life. I love city living but I miss the fields, lakes, and smells of the country. I am so very glad my beautiful friend could show me her home this weekend. Altona is beautiful. I am so very happy and content dreaming about the future with my kindred spirit in the fields of Manitoba. I thank God for these moments.